"A Short History

of Scandinavian Bomb-Making,"

by Ron Ginther,

Political Consultant for F.E.M.A.

(Full Evangelism in Marine Areas)

To the Swedes, Norway is a Question. They call it the Norwegian Question. To the Norwegians, Sweden is a Question. They call it the Swedish Question.

Peace between these countries is impossible on those terms, as none will admit to the legitimacy of the other country's existence.

First, a boycott was tried, with mixed results. The Swedes boycotted Norwegian lefse, and the Norwegians retaliated by boycotting the Swedish lefse. Since Norwegian lefse was high-priced, available only to the elite class of clergymen and bishops and royals, certain Swedes (with their keen wits for making a profit at the expense of slower-witted Norwegians) undersold the Norwegian lefse, and tons of contraband lefse were spirited across the border, making a number of Swedish smugglers millionaires.

The Norwegians decided they could also play this clever game. They undersold the Swedish lefse, and the flow of lefse went east from Norway instead, making Norwegian smugglers millionaires.

The price was lowered further by the Swedes, checking the Norwegians temporarily, when they in turn lowered their price. Finally, there was a stalemate, with tons of lefse growing mold on the border, the price so low no shipper would carry it, either to Norway or to Sweden, it wasn't worth the donkey feed it cost to transport it.

So the upshot is that Swedes and Norwegians turned early on to explosives, to bomb-making, once the techniques were discovered.

Alfred Nobel was a Swedish chemist who, at the turn of the century, turned his invention of dynamite to great effect. But he found it impossible to keep the secret indefinitely, so he began selling it abroad and soon made himself a millionaire. Thanks to him, World War I was a great success.

The Norwegians, of course, bought enough dynamite or produced enough of it themselves from Alfred Nobel's formula to bring themselves up to Sweden's level, militarily. What was Sweden to do then, when they realized they couldn't blow Norway up and be done with the Norwegian Question once and for all?

If they so much as tried, Norway would blow them up! So was mutual annihilation worth it just to get rid of the Norwegian Question? The Queen Mother, Astrida, didn't think so, so she ruled that they look for other means to get rid of the dratted old nuisance, Norway.

The answer came in an unexpected quarter: bicycling. Now the bicycle had been invented a long time before in Rome, Texas, and was known in Sweden but not used as transportation, as the Swedes are characteristically slow to adapt to new modes of anything that can move goods, services, and people about more efficiently than their excellent system of ox-carts, donkeys and muddy roads.

In fact, the Queen Mother, it was whispered in Norwegian royal circles, had a gold-plated bicycle in her royal apartments in her palace in Stockholm, and rode it during the wee hours of the night, to reduce her 250 stone weight. Only she kept it tethered in place, so she could ride it in private, without anyone knowing about it but a few chambermaids (one of whom was a Norwegian on her mother's side, who told on the queen mother, so the word got out anyway).

But what possible effect could the bicycle have on the Norwegian Question? Well, the Swedes were experimenting with it in military laboratories deep under the mountains, and they found that the wheels could generate a certain wave length, when spun at a certain speed, and when the spokes were tuned by a piano tuner to a certain frequency. This produced an EMP, an electromagnetic pulse of such low frequency that it destroyed milk production in dairy cattle almost 90 per cent where it was tested out.

Would Sweden dare use this devastating (WPM) Weapon of Mass Destruction on its old rival Norway? That was a moo-t question. Certainly, it would! Everyone knew that the loss of the dairy industry in Norway, making it impossible for Norwegians to put cream in their coffee, would bring that country shortly to its knees, begging for mercy.

Then the Swedes could dictate any terms they liked.

What they decided was the "Land for Peace Policy" which seemed to work so well in the Middle East, with the Arabs and Israelis. Once Norway was humbled, they would be given peace for a time, for a slice of Norway of course. Eventually, the country would be down to its last slice, and finally, with that one given up, the Norwegian Question would be eliminated, without having to fire a single shot or throw a single bomb.

Yet the Swedes found after a time that they had left something out of the equation, and it didn't work as well as anticipated. The Norwegians didn't mind giving up slices of the country, for some time anyway, as they had a limited knowledge of geography and had no idea what was being given up until the border came right up to them and they could see that they were actually next in line to be "sliced off".

At that point, they balked, and withdrew their ambassador from Stockholm for consultation. The king and his cabinet, and the parliament and its consultants, all got together in a confab, in secret session, and decided after a certain amount of debate that there was to be no more slicing off of Norwegian territory in favor of the Swedes, peace or no peace!

It was war! Total war again, mutual destruction if need be. Not one inch of Norwegian rock, ice, and snow (Norway has no soil), not one Norwegian sardine either, would be awarded the nefarious Swedes--they would fight them to the death! Norway was their sacred trust, and they would rather die free than live enslaved to Swedes!

These fine sentiments carried the day. The ambassador was sent back to Stockholm with detailed instructions and a clear message to the Swedes: "Mange tusen nei!!" (Many thousand no's!"). The Swedes retaliated with a furious blast of EMP, but this time the Norwegians were prepared, their dairy cows protected with titanium-laced shields of lefse.

With nothing else in their armory to avail, the Swedes were forced to fall back on international diplomacy, passing notes back and forth condemning each other at sessions of the United Nations.

Naturally, in this state of high frustration, both nations sought a scapegoat. They soon found it in hapless Israel, which was caught in the "Land for Peace" process of gradual annihilation, its Arab neighbors getting the advantage of every slice. Concentrating on guiding this process to its inevitable conclusion (unless the Israelis figured it out, of course, and backed out as the Norwegians had done), Norway and Sweden soon were congratuating themselves on their roles as International Peacemakers. Sweden even went so far as to award its arch-enemy Norway the Peace Prize, and Norway took it with a nice smile. Both countries' prime ministers shook hands before the cameras and grinned as if they were long-lost friends! For once they showed the world Norway and Sweden could agree on something that cost them nothing.

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