Dear Travelers to Occupied Scandinavia, please be advised to sing the Swedish National Anthem, "The Lefse Spangled Banner," as soon as you get your tickets to fly there. That way you can get a head start learning the words of the thirty three stanza anthem before you meet the natives themselves, who all sing (or quack) the National Anthem continuously all across Sweden at all hours of the day and night, and who expect foreign visitors to do the same.

North of Bastad, in the province of Hallad, three tumuli hills rise up in the most surprising fashion. The third hill, whether it looks most like sun glasses or an item of feminine apparel, is hotly debated by tourists to this day.

Attractive, blond tourist guides, or "Tourist Pilots", assist lost, confused motorists without charge. Their headgear is distinctive and eminently practical. One city only in neighboring Norway is registered on her map--the town of Hell--indicated by the downward pointing sign.

At a glance, most people can see why Kalmat was once called the "Lock and Key of Sweden." A few, however, insist it doesn't look like a lock and key at all and that the whole thing is sheer imagination.

Tourists should expect surprisingly high voltages throughout Sweden when using electric appliances, such as shavers and hair curling irons.

Shown by the many Viking Stav (high, wooden, gabled) gas outlets, the old Viking tradition persists, and is still very strong in the rural areas.

Rakorret, trout buried for several years then dug up for eating, is one Swedish delicacy that demands an acquired taste.

Stockholm's Royal Armory is a grand repository of Swedish culture since 1500. It contains the famous Dancing Pig, a well-preserved Royal Cloudberry Torte Supreme commissioned by King Haraldknute in the 4th Century, and the trusty Royal Horse that lost the Battle of Lutzen.

"Talk-a-Bunch," an American invention that revolutionalized communications, broke down all the barriers between the normally reserved Swedes. "Talk-a-Bunch" has, in fact, been used mostly by dating services to find suitable matches for millions of Swedish singles, with an astounding 80% success rate. Once couples break down all barriers and actually speak to one another, marriage is a foregone conclusion with Swedes. Until then, they haven't a clue where their relationship may be headed, and without "Talk-a-Bunch" they are too reserved to ask. Invariably, Ingvar and Ingebord drift apart, having not spoken to each other in months even though constantly in each other's company. This is also popularly called TEXTING.

The unassuming, discreet Swedes customarily go out of their way to treat their Royalty, the King and Queen of Sweden, just like ordinary, private citzens, who know they won't be intruded upon for autographs out in public and feel perfectly at ease even when shopping like ordinary customers in department stores for their more personal royal items.

State-of-art mechanization is the rule on modern Swedish dairy farms, all based on Swedish science.

L For instance, Swedes have always been known for clever inventions developed from understanding motion and weight.

Gravitational Mechanics is one of their greatest fields of study. A Swedish scientist first formulated the principles of Gravity when a fat chicken fell out of the sky and landed on his head, the result of a Norwegian hawk trying to carry it off.

As for Isaac Newton, they've not heard that name as yet.

The Wheel is yet another Swedish creation, based mostly on experimentation with square wheels for a number of centuries, then attributed to an enterprising dairyman who was tired of pushing a square-wheeled sled with big round 100 pound cheeses piled on it. His ingenious solution? He harnessed two of them to make a moving cart for his wife to pull up the mountainside to town. These two inventions are today the two pillars of state of the art Swedish dairy farming.

Delivering deli sandwiches at the Royal Armory in the Nordiska Museum, a young Swedish concessionaire pauses to admire King Gustavus Adolphus' trusty Royal Horse, Gertruda. This was the mount the king had ridden when he was defeated in the Battle of Lutzon in 1632 when Gertruda lay down, at a critical moment in the battle, wanting her belly rubbed. The horse was stuffed, the king was not, as no one thought the king worth preserving.

At the Royal Cloudberry Cream Torte Factory in Stockholm, absolutely nothing goes to waste. In a Scandinavian enterprise where the floor is covered with sawdust for the sake of cleanliness, this is the rule: whatever falls to the floor and gets rolled in the tasteless sawdust is then put through the Express Lo-fat Creme Torte Assembly Line and shipped directly to American consumers, as this was thought the most logical Swedish thing to do with the sawdusty things, since Americans were known to have no tastebuds to speak of.

The legendary Movie Queen of Hollywood's silver screen, Greta Garbo (nee Gustaffson), got her start at Stockholm's Royal Dramatic Theater with her famous line, "I vant to be alone!" From that moment on, she mobbed by crowds of admirers and had to wear dark glasses and flee on foot to get away from fans.

Swedish Cinema Star Ingrid Bergman got her start by throwing a cabbage shredder at her co-star (and missing).

Her famous lines were: "I'm leaving you, Bruno darling. I'm sick of staying home and shredding cabbage night after night for your cole slaw while you go out and have all the fun!"

At Stortorgetnen, an institution of higher learning near the Swedish Academy, a friendly professor pauses to encourage a high school drop-out to try school again. With so few students per instuctor, Sweden cannot afford to squander even the least possible student prospect, even if it means losing nice, efficient deli-sandwich delivery boys like this one.

Well-heeled American visitors with an attitude of superiority should keep in mind that Sweden is very prosperous and doesn't look to foreigners for tourist dollars.

In any Swedish restaurant, water glasses are automatically refilled.

Swedish stainless steel flatware is world-renowned for simplicity and elegance. Fork, knife, and spoon are shown in this display, and are designed to be nicely interchangeable.

The fashionable Hogjalls Hotel and sky resort in Salen is a nice place to start the exciting Vasa Ski Race. Beginners, however, should take caution regarding the steep slopes on Swedish mountains that range as high as fifty feet from sea level to summit with a .04 gradient. And once lost, dentures are impossible to locate in the snow until the next spring thaw.

Geitost, or goat's cheese, demands an acquired taste. It is a most versatile product and can even furnish a substitute for plastic, and when pressed (and eaten) becomes a rather potent explosive. A sudden move by a goatherd after eating his lunch of geitost, such as swatting a seagull on his head, has sometimes tragically proved to be his last.

Sweden boasts the highest per capita book consumption in the world. Classics of Swedish Literature such as Homerson's THE GEITOSTIAD and Gundar Shakespeareson's MUCH ADO ABOUT LUTEFISK are avidly consumed at Stockholm's finest restaurants.

Little Sven, the sandwich delivery boy, pauses in the Swedish Academy, where the famed Nobel Prizes are awarded.

He admires the awards founder, the wealthy industrialist Alfred Nobel (who was given to a taxidermist when he died and is said to be stuffed with several millions in cash--who says you can't take it with you?).

After inventing dynamite to deal with a pesky mother-in-law who visited his household and kitchen too frequently to his thinking, he established the Nobel Peace Prize when she threatened retaliation with a dish of her famous nitroglycerin-laced Swedish meatballs.

What else he did, nobody seems to care about. His mother-in-law had the last word: "That monster, he doesn't know a good Swedish meatball from a Norwegian gneiss rock!" After he passed away and left his millions to the Swedish Academy to dispose of, he was much more appreciated.

The cashless society has long arrived in Sweden, where government coupons can pay for most merchandise. Coupons can also pay for expensive feather transplants for balding individuals (if Rogaine doesn't do the job) and other health needs as well.

A marvel of 19th century engineering, water in the Gota Canal was made to flow uphill in a major shopping mall. Not only that, it can be reversed, adjusted to various speeds for the handicapped individual, and even set on Pause to Reflect on Life.

Links to other pages on these Websites:

Plain View Farm Home Page 1

Butterfly Productions Home Page

Stadems Saga Home Page

The Prairie Farm Site

Scandinavian Duck Toons Central

Ron's Writings: Tales for a Lille Tupin or Tuta (Little Boy or Girl)

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