State-of-art mechanization is the rule on
modern Swedish dairy farms, all based on Swedish science.
L For instance, Swedes have always been known for
clever inventions developed from understanding
motion and weight.
Gravitational Mechanics is
one of their greatest fields of study. A Swedish scientist first formulated
the principles of
Gravity when a fat chicken fell out of the sky and landed on his head, the result of a Norwegian hawk trying to carry it off.
As for Isaac Newton,
they've not heard that name as yet.
The Wheel is yet another Swedish
creation, based mostly on experimentation with square wheels for
a number of centuries, then
attributed to an enterprising dairyman who was tired of pushing a square-wheeled sled with big round 100 pound cheeses piled on it. His ingenious solution? He harnessed two of them to make a moving cart for his wife to pull up the mountainside to town. These two inventions are today the two pillars of state of the art Swedish dairy farming.
Delivering deli sandwiches at the Royal Armory in
the Nordiska Museum, a young Swedish concessionaire pauses to admire King
Gustavus Adolphus' trusty Royal Horse, Gertruda. This was the mount the king had ridden when he was defeated in the Battle
of Lutzon in 1632 when Gertruda lay down, at a critical moment in the
battle, wanting her belly rubbed. The horse was stuffed, the king was
not, as no one thought the king worth preserving.
At the Royal Cloudberry Cream Torte Factory
in Stockholm, absolutely nothing goes to waste. In a Scandinavian
enterprise where the floor is covered with sawdust for
the sake of cleanliness, this is the rule: whatever falls to the floor
and gets rolled in the tasteless sawdust is then put through the Express Lo-fat Creme Torte Assembly Line and shipped directly to American consumers, as this was thought the most logical Swedish thing to do with the sawdusty things, since Americans were known to have no tastebuds to speak of.
The legendary Movie Queen of Hollywood's silver screen, Greta Garbo (nee Gustaffson), got
her start at Stockholm's Royal Dramatic Theater with her
famous line, "I vant to be alone!" From that moment on, she mobbed
by crowds of admirers and had to wear dark glasses and flee on foot to get away from fans.
Swedish Cinema Star Ingrid Bergman got her start by
throwing a cabbage shredder at her co-star (and missing).
Her famous lines were: "I'm leaving you, Bruno darling. I'm sick of
staying home and shredding cabbage night after night for your cole slaw while you go out and have all the fun!"
At Stortorgetnen, an institution of higher learning near the Swedish Academy, a
friendly professor pauses to encourage a high school
drop-out to try school again. With so few students per instuctor,
Sweden cannot afford to squander even the least possible student prospect, even if it means losing nice, efficient deli-sandwich delivery boys like this one.
Well-heeled American visitors with an attitude of superiority should keep in mind that
Sweden is very prosperous and doesn't look to foreigners for
tourist dollars.
In any Swedish restaurant, water glasses are automatically refilled.
Swedish stainless steel flatware is
world-renowned for simplicity and
elegance. Fork, knife, and spoon are shown in this display, and are designed to be nicely interchangeable.
The fashionable Hogjalls Hotel and sky resort in Salen is a
nice place to start the exciting Vasa Ski Race. Beginners,
however, should take caution regarding the steep
slopes on Swedish mountains that range as high as fifty feet from
sea level to summit with a .04 gradient. And once lost, dentures are impossible to locate in the snow until the next spring thaw.
Geitost, or goat's cheese, demands an
acquired taste. It is a most versatile
product and can even furnish a substitute for plastic, and when pressed (and eaten) becomes a rather potent explosive. A sudden move by a goatherd after eating his lunch of geitost, such as swatting a seagull on his head, has sometimes tragically proved to be his last.
Sweden boasts the highest per capita book
consumption in the world. Classics of Swedish Literature such as Homerson's THE GEITOSTIAD and Gundar Shakespeareson's MUCH ADO ABOUT LUTEFISK are avidly consumed at Stockholm's finest restaurants.
Little Sven, the sandwich delivery boy, pauses in the
Swedish Academy, where the famed Nobel Prizes are awarded.
He
admires the awards founder, the wealthy industrialist Alfred Nobel (who was given to a taxidermist when he died and is said to be
stuffed with several millions in cash--who says you can't take it with you?).
After inventing dynamite to deal with a pesky mother-in-law who visited his household and kitchen too frequently to his thinking, he established the Nobel Peace Prize when she threatened retaliation with a dish of her famous nitroglycerin-laced Swedish meatballs.
What else he did, nobody seems to care about. His mother-in-law had the last word: "That monster, he doesn't know a good Swedish meatball from a
Norwegian gneiss rock!" After he passed away and left his millions to the Swedish Academy to dispose of, he was much more appreciated.
The cashless society has long arrived in Sweden,
where government coupons can pay for most merchandise. Coupons
can also pay for expensive feather transplants for balding individuals (if Rogaine doesn't do the job) and other health
needs as well.
A marvel of 19th century engineering, water
in the Gota Canal was made to flow uphill in a major
shopping mall. Not only that, it can be reversed, adjusted to various speeds for the handicapped individual, and even set on Pause to Reflect on Life.
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